The last sad thing I'll ever write (about a girl)

This is actually about a great number of girls.  However, a few stand out as muses for the following thoughts.  After bottling this up for a while, it's time I let it out.

I used to be giddy.  Uncontrollably happy.  Nothing ever got me down.  Even if I was sick, once even near death, I was still making jokes and laughing about just about everything.  I found the humor in all parts of my life. It was my defense mechanism.  My way.

Caitlin, Malka, Suzo, Chelsea.  These are the names which broke down that mechanism and reverse-engineered it to be cynical, blunt, and cold.  Why could they not appreciate me for who I was?  Each of them, I trusted with everything.  Chelsea wound up with a ring on her finger because I believed that she could do no wrong.  Ignorance is truly bliss.
All four of them constantly wanted me to find a different form of employment.  At first they were cool with it, but when business wasn't great and I wasn't buying things for them, just supporting myself, they quickly grew tired of me.  It took four people to finally flip the switch in my brain to say, "give the fuck up on this stupid dream."

Right as that switch flipped, someone happened into my life that liked that I was doing what I wanted to for a living.  Embraced, even, the idea that I continued to do it despite tough times.  If only she had met me a little bit sooner.

Chelsea was the last straw, the one the broke the camel's back.  When I first got together with her, I told myself she was the last time I would try having a steady relationship.  And I meant it.  When everything went to hell with the situation, I locked myself into a mindset about only serving myself and taking care of me first at all times.

The problem with this is that once I started doing it, people who I thought were my friends up and bailed.  People who I thought were "there" for me suddenly disappeared.

I lost my car, my home, everything to the psycho's and their games.
All I have left is junk.  Garbage.  Trash.
Starting over never looked so bad.

I'm tired of cynical Aaron.  I'm tired of the Aaron that jumps to conclusions, hates the world, and is broke all the time.  I miss performing non-stop.  I miss touring all year-round.  I miss traveling.  I'm absolutely fucking sick of this new Aaron that let's people walk all over him, but I don't want the new Aaron to be an asshole, either.

I keep throwing this quote around like it means something, but I finally clicked a button in my head that makes it all worthwhile.  "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. "


I am free to do anything. I am free.
I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free
I AM FREE.  I AM FUCKING FREE TO DO WHAT I DAMN WELL WANT TO, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Fuck the haters.  Fuck stupid bitches.  Fuck fake friends. Fuck users.  Fuck whiny cunts.  Fuck the needy.  Hell, fuck the colorblind, they don't get half my card tricks.  


I am taking back my life, THIS SECOND.  I am going to be everything I can be, and the man I choose to be.  AND NO ONE IS GOING TO STOP ME.  I AM FREE.


I am Aaron Stone.  I am Aaron Thomas Fuckin' Stone.

And right now, I feel like destroying something beautiful.  So that something much more grand can rise from the ashes.